Week 9: B1G Stock Report

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It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are three “Buys” and six “Sells.” This is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index.

There were no Mollywhoppins this week, and Ohio State won the conference’s marquee matchup over Wisconsin. The big story is that there is a four-way tie for the lead in the West. Anyone can lose to anyone else in that division, so it will be a wild scramble to the finish line. November will stage ridiculous displays of offensive impotence and punting derring-do. B1G aficionados know the swan song for the West might sound like a clown’s horn, but it will be glorious...in its own peculiar way.

Which West squad will earn the trip to Indianapolis and lose to the East champ?

The Quest for the Poisoned Chalice:

The Quadrangle of Hate is in a four-way tie for the lead in the West. What do you call something that is terrifying in its beauty? You call it sublime.

Onward.

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Buy

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Wisconsin, 24-10) After Wisconsin tied the game at ten early in the third quarter, Ohio State used its explosive playmakers to secure a fourteen point win. Three turnovers have to be a concern for the Buckeyes, but a great defense and Marv Harrison cancel out a lot of mistakes. Next up: @Rutgers.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Idle) ‘Gers is bowl eligible and coming off a bye week to face the Buckeyes. Schiano is playing with house money, but it would be good to keep people healthy. Winnable games against Iowa and Maryland are down the road. Next up: Ohio State.

Michigan Wolverines

(Idle) The Wolverines will come out of a bye week and travel to West Lafayette. Signs indicate there will be no harboring this year, but that public relations disasters will continue. Next up: Purdue.

Hold

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Indiana, 33-24) Penn State was less than inspiring against Ohio State, and the blahs continued against Indiana. Perhaps a little Old Bay will snap the Nits out of their October doldrums. Franklin’s crew needs to ramp up for the big contest against the Wolverines in two weeks. Next up: @Maryland.

Wisconsin Badgers

(Lost to Ohio State, 24-10) The Badgers put up a solid effort, but it is nigh impossible to stop Marvin Harrison, Jr. The injury to Braelon Allen looms large. If he is out for a prolonged period, it seriously hampers Wiscy’s divisional chances. Next up: @Indiana.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Defeated Michigan State, 27-12 ) The Gophers turned the ball over three times and started a third string walk-on running back. It sounds like things would turn out poorly, right? Not when the walk-on runs for 200 yards, and not when the opponent is this iteration of Michigan State. Next up: Illinois.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Defeated Purdue, 31-14) Nebraska’s offense has lost eight of the eleven starters from its first game against Minnesota, yet they found enough offense to beat Purdue. The defense again played well, and the special teams have become (dare I say it?) an asset — scoring on a blocked kick return, and a 55 yard field goal. The Huskers need to find another win to reach bowl eligibility. Next up: @Michigan State.

Northwestern Wildcats

(Defeated Maryland, 33-27) Eight games are in the books, and Northwestern is 4-4. Considering the rollercoaster/dumpster fire of a summer and season it has been in Evanston, this is a minor miracle. Do not get me wrong — they are terrible, particularly offensively. The staggering realization that a bowl is not completely out of the question moves the ‘Cats into “Hold” territory. Next up: Iowa.

Sell

Michigan State Spartans

(Lost to Minnesota, 27-12) Sparty has now lost six games in a row. The defense was porous in an equal opportunity kind of way — allowing exactly 200 yards rushing and 200 yards passing to the daunting Gopher juggernaut. Michigan State may have found something in freshman quarterback Sam Leavitt, though, and Nebraska is eminently beatable. Next up: Nebraska.

Indiana Hoosiers

(Lost to Penn State, 33-24) To the surprise of most everyone, Indiana was in a tie game with Penn State late in the fourth quarter. Penn State immediately threw a long touchdown pass and recorded a safety, winning by nine points. This surprised...no one. Indiana football is where dreams go to die. Next up: Wisconsin.

Purdue Boilermakers

(Lost to Nebraska, 31-14) Purdue had 99 penalty yards, 99 passing yards, and 96 rushing yards. Purdue has some excellent defensive players, but a mediocre defense. They have an Air Raid offense that averaged three yards per pass. The Boilers lost the special teams phase to Nebraska. Is this the portrait of a well-coached team? Next up: @Michigan.

Maryland Terrapins

(Lost to Northwestern, 33-27) Maryland started its October slate by losing to Ohio State, and there is no crime in that. Subsequently, the Terps have lost to Illinois and Northwestern in consecutive weeks. I would not have believed such a fall from grace possible. I am not perfect, you paper turtles, I overestimated you. That stops now. Congrats on being shitbird of the week. Next up: Penn State.

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Idle) The Universe was spared from an Iowa offensive performance for the bye week, but all good things must come to an end. Now we get Iowa versus Northwestern in a mostly empty stadium, and it should be a singular viewing experience. Next up: @Northwestern.

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Idle) Sweet Mother of God, Illinois versus Minnesota is also happening this week? Perhaps the Iowa/Northwestern matchup will not be so singular after all. Puntmas comes more than once a year. Next up: @Minnesota.

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Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.