Week 6: B1G Stock Report

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It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are four “Buys” and six “Sells.” This is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index.

The sixth week of the season had Michigan put in another sterling performance, and Ohio State sleep walked its way to an eventual romp. Iowa did its thing and got a fifth win in what seems to be its inevitable march to Indianapolis. In the East, top teams started building up to the crescendo at the end of the season. For the West, it was just cascading sadness. Many lost, and a few somehow failed to lose. There were no winners.

Which West squad will earn the trip to Indianapolis and lose to the East champ?

The Quest for the Poisoned Chalice:

Sconnie still leads. Congrats, or something.

Onward.

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Buy

Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Minnesota, 52-10) Michigan paid a visit to Dinkytown and thoroughly dismantled the Gophers. The Wolverines did regress somewhat from their game against Nebraska —they had one penalty for ten yards this time. Harbaugh has his squad performing at a consistently high level to start conference play, and they appear to be the class of the conference. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Indiana.

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Maryland, 37-17) The Buckeyes did not have a running attack, and they did not have much of an edge through most of the game. What they did have was an elite receiving corps. As many have pointed out, few teams can look so pedestrian and still win by twenty. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Purdue.

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Defeated Purdue, 20-14) Iowa was 6-21-1-110 passing, lost time of possession by eleven minutes, and was outgained by the visitors. Yet, the Hawkeyes won. This game totally validated the Ferentz philosophy and world-view — run, punt, play defense and let the other team beat itself. Teams from the West just leap at the opportunity. This team, dear reader, is the class of the West. Next up: @Wisconsin.

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Idle) Penn State did not play anyone on Saturday, and they play UMass this week. Only time will tell if this unchallenging stretch helps or hurts the Lions. Next up: UMass.

Hold

Maryland Terrapins

(Lost to Ohio State, 37-17) The Terps stuck with Ohio State for about three quarters, and it was no fluke. The Buckeyes had no success in the run game, and Maryland put up over 300 yards of offense. October did arrive for the turtles, but upcoming games against Illinois and Northwestern should soften the blow. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Illinois.

Wisconsin Badgers

(Defeated Rutgers, 24-13) The Dairy Raid did not take flight this weekend, but there was ample residual ball control culture to hold off a game Rutgers squad. A pick-six just before halftime gave Wisconsin the breathing room it needed. The season gets serious now, there is a livestock statue (and poisoned chalice) at stake. Next up: Iowa.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Lost to Wisconsin, 24-13) As predicted, Rutgers was able to frustrate the Badgers. A hard-nosed culture and tough defense make the Scarlet Knights a tough out, but the absence of a passing attack is an ongoing issue. Michigan State is an opportunity for a fifth win, in what should be a bruising contest. Next up: Michigan State.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Defeated Illinois, 20-7) Nebraska took its performance art installation on the road to Champaign. Provocatively, Big Red subverted expectations by not losing. The immediate forecast looks uncharacteristically good — there was a road win this weekend, a bye next, and Northwestern at home in two weeks. Moved up to “Hold.” Next up: Idle (Northwestern, 10/21).

Sell

Purdue Boilermakers

(Lost to Iowa, 20-14) Purdue came off a convincing win over Illinois, and it looked like they had turned a corner. Having seen more of Illinois on Friday, I suspected that optimism may have been misplaced. After watching the Boiler passing offense in the face of pressure in Iowa City, I know it was. Next up: Ohio State.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Lost to Michigan, 52-10) Minnesota generated only 169 yards of offense, and threw two pick-sixes. Darius Taylor missed the second straight game, but his presence would not have made much of a difference. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: Idle (@Iowa, 10/21).

Northwestern Wildcats

(Defeated Howard, 23-20) The Wildcats defeated FCS Howard by three points, on homecoming. I will just leave it at that. Next up: Idle (@Nebraska, 10/21).

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Lost to Nebraska, 20-7) Nebraska tried valiantly to hand this game to the Illini, but they refused to take it. There was enough dick tripping and dipshittery, in the second half alone, to fill a season. At one point, a Husker player blocked a punt...with his shin. Indeed, the turf was riddled with footbullets. Illinois got embarrassed by Nebraska at home, the week Dick Butkus died. This season is getting away for Bert, quickly. Congratulations on being shitbird of the week. Next up: @Maryland.

Michigan State Spartans

(Idle) The game against Rutgers will tell us if the Spartans circled the wagons to unite and improve, or if they are ready to just let this season be over. I do not know which it will be. Next up: @Rutgers.

Indiana Hoosiers

(Idle) Facing Michigan on the road is the last thing Indiana needs right now. Next up: @Michigan.

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Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.