Week 12: B1G Stock Report

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It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are four “Buys” and six “Sells.” This is a bearish trend. Oh well, there is always next year.

This week...was exhausting. This “writer” is limping to the finish line in this, the final iteration of this season. It has been quite a ride. The B1G West will become a part of history soon. The world will little note, nor long remember what we wrote here, but it can never forget what they did here.

They punted.

It was epic, it was amazing, it was horrifying, and it was galling. It was the very pinnacle of mediocrity. In the B1G, Puntmas comes more than once a year, and for that I am grateful. God bless us, every one.

Also: Michigan will play Ohio State for the East title on Saturday.

Which West squad earned the trip to Indianapolis to lose to the East champ?

Iowa has claimed the Poisoned Chalice...of course. A Mollywhoppin’ upon their heads.

Onward.

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Buy

Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Maryland, 31-24) MIchigan’s play was less than inspired, and Harbaugh’s absence on the sidelines in The Game is gaining significance. Maryland gave them a lot of help. Next up: Ohio State.

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Minnesota, 37-3) Minnesota did not look like they were trying to win, so much as keep the score down. The Buckeyes stomped them anyway. Ohio State is looking better than Michigan at the moment. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’)Next up: @Michigan.

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Defeated Illinois, 15-13) Iowa clinched the West with another gross victory over a division foe. They will defile a holiday weekend with another win the day after Thanksgiving. Punting is winning. Next up: @Nebraska (Black Friday).

Northwestern Wildcats

(Defeated Purdue, 23-15) It is time to tell your children about a bowl eligible Northwestern. This has been a great coaching job by Braun, and he has earned the job. Manservants are in contact with milliners, I assure you. Next up: @Illinois.

Hold

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Rutgers, 27-6) Penn State did what they do to any team not named Michigan or Ohio State. The Nits need to knock off Sparty on Black Friday to seal up a tenth win. Even if they need the backup quarterback, I like their chances. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Michigan State (Black Friday).

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Lost to Penn State, 27-6) Rutgers was playing with house money. They have spent most of it. To call Schiano’s offense anemic is an insult to iron deficiency. Rutgers can nail down a seventh win this weekend against the Terps at home. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Maryland.

Maryland Terrapins

(Lost to Michigan, 31-24) Maryland is like the car that looks great in the showroom, but when you get it on the road it breaks down constantly. The Terps had a chance, and did not capitalize, thanks to multiple mental mistakes and turnovers. Next up: @Rutgers.

Wisconsin Badgers

(Defeated Nebraska, 24-17) Wisconsin has earned bowl eligibility, thanks to beating Nebraska in overtime at home. Well earned, Badgers. Next up: @Minnesota.

Sell

Michigan State Spartans

(Defeated Indiana, 24-21) Sparty salvaged some dignity by beating Nebraska and Indiana. Not too much, mind you, but some. The end of the season cannot come soon enough, but it could have ended much, much worse. Next up: Penn State (Black Friday).

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Lost to Ohio State, 37-3) Minnesota needs to win this week to secure a tool and bowl eligibility. Also, an axe. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Wisconsin.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Lost to Wisconsin, 24-17) Nebraska has not won in Madison in over a half century. This Nebraska vessel is not yet stout enough to sail against the tides of history. Similarly, Big Red will struggle nobly against Iowa, only to come up one score short...as is tradition. Next up: Iowa (Black Friday).

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Lost to Iowa, 15-13) It looked like Bert might pull this one out against Iowa, but Illinois is not allowed to have nice things...such as hats, for example. Next up: Northwestern.

Indiana Hoosiers

(Lost to Michigan State, 24-21) Indiana had a great shot of winning, but frittered it away in the end. You may have heard this story before. Next up: @Purdue.

Purdue Boilermakers

(Lost to Northwestern, 23-15) Coming into the weekend, Purdue was the only team that was mathematically eliminated from winning the West. The loss to the ‘Cats showed us why. Next up: Indiana.

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Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.