Don’t Watch This; Watch That: Your Week 11 Guide to the College Football Schedule and Playing Basketball in Shipyards

This is a genuinely terrible night of football. I’m telling you that up front.

I’m also telling you that it’s a terrible night for college basketball, BUT! that the beauty of this early college basketball season is that you get to watch incredibly stupid and made-up things make funny attempts at pretending this all isn’t a sham to just buy wins.

Take, for example, Norfolk State. The Spartans are genuinely playing host to something called “Apprentice School”. TO WIT:

The Apprentice School is a four to eight-year apprenticeship vocational school founded in 1919 and operated by Newport News Shipbuilding & Dry Dock Company in Newport News in the U.S. state of Virginia. The school trains students for careers in the shipbuilding industry. The school announced in April of 2021 that it would begin awarding associate degrees in twenty-six maritime programs to its students beginning in 2023.^[2] Additionally, students can also earn associate degrees through a partnership with Thomas Nelson Community College and bachelor degrees through a partnership with Old Dominion University.^[3] The school’s athletic teams compete under the nickname of ‘Builders’ and competes with other small colleges.^[4]

THE BUILDERS! LOOK AT THEIR WIKIPEDIA ENTRY:

I want to list my campus as “urban/shipyard”. I want to list Iowa State as “rural/cow pasture”. I want to label Wisconsin as “urban/bars”.

Today also features...

• Baylor currently scuffling with John Brown—or at least his body?
• Morgan State hosting what I assume is a suburban teen named Cheyney
• UTEP hosting “Science & Arts (OK)”—can’t pay for “Science & Arts (GOOD)”, Miners?
• Evansville welcoming in the University of Health Science—I can only assume it’s putting out the kinds of chiropractors who say you need to eschew vaccines and shove kale up your ass to be healthy—and
• VMI hosting all of Christendom in its Cameron Hall.
  Don’t look up Christendom unless you like Hillsdale or like being mad about things.

It is here that we remember the funniest thing: sometimes these schools win.

Take, for example, the Academy of Arts Urban Knights, competing in the D-II Pacific West Conference out of what I believe is basically one building in San Francisco. We talked about the Urban Knights here before, back in 2021 when they beat UC Davis, 79-60.

The Urban Knights play their games at this delightfully San Francisco building:

That is Kezar Pavilion, found in Golden Gate Park and owned by the City of San Francisco. The Urban Knights share this building with local high school basketball teams, as well as...

• ChickFight female professional wrestling
• The San Francisco Rumble, a team in the American Basketball Association. Let’s check in on their last Twitter update...

I would link to their website, but I’m pretty sure the Rumble no longer exist and I just visited a very questionable Thai website on my work computer.

Thursday Evening
Don’t Watch This

Virginia Cavaliers at #11 Louisville Cardinals (-20, O/U 50.5) [6:30pm, ESPN]
Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears [7:15pm, Prime]

{NBA} Milwaukee Bucks at Indiana Pacers [6pm, NBAtv]
{NBA} Atlanta Hawks at Orlando Magic [8:30pm, NBAtv]

{MBB} Southern Indiana Screamin’ Eagles at “#4” Michigan State [6pm, BTN]

Watch That

Southern Miss Golden Iggles at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns

6:30pm | ESPNU | UL -10 | O/U 52.5

{MBB} Mercer Bears at Chicago State Cougars

7pm | YouTube | Mercer -3.5 | O/U 131.5

{MBB} New Mexico at #23 Saint Mary’s

9pm | ESPN+ | SMC -6.5 | O/U 142.5

I feel obligated to shout-out and celebrate the WAC/C-USA Challenge, a Very Real basketball challenge that features things like Tarleton State traveling to Florida International for nothing but solidarity.

Friday Evening
Don’t Watch This

Grambling Tigers at UA-Pine Bluff Golden Lions [8pm, ESPNU]

{MBB} Youngstown State Penguins at Michigan [5:30pm, BTN]

{MLS} Seattle Sounders vs. Dallas Burn [9pm, MLS Pass on Apple TV]

Watch That

{MBB} Dayton at Northwestern

7:30pm | BTN

North Texas Mean Green at SMU Cocaineponies

8pm | ESPN2 | SMU -17 | O/U 67.5 | SAFEWAY BOWL

Wyoming Cowboys at UNLV Rebels

9:45pm | FS1 | UNLV -6 | O/U 50.5

All hail the final scheduled iteration of the SAFEWAY BOWL!, in which the pettiest of Texas pettiness—SMU wouldn’t deign to play UNT—comes home to roost. This is usually a good bet to hit the over: only one game in the last seven has featured under 50 points, and four have gone over 60.

Wyoming, a team that is always lurking around the corner and frying bacon in a cast-iron skillet and will calmly eat the bacon then WHAM! you in the face with that skillet, is 3-2 in the Mountain West. They need to beat UNLV (4-1) to pull back into contention for the conference championship game, with Fresno at 4-1 and Air Force at 5-0. UNLV, meanwhile, has only lost to Michigan and at Fresno, is Receiving Votes, and has a genuinely fun quarterback in 6’4” Las Vegas frosh Jayden Maiava. This is definitely worth your time.

Saturday Morning
Don’t Watch This

#3 Michigan Wolverines (-4.5, O/U 45.5) at #10 Penn State Nittany Lions [11am, FOX]
#8 Alabama Crimson Tide (-10.5, O/U 48.5) at Kentucky Wildcats [11am, ESPN]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at #23 Tulane Green Wave (-23, O/U 53.5) [11am, ESPN2]
Holy Cross Crusaders at Army Black Knights [11am, CBSSN]
Indiana Hoosiers at Illinois Fighting Illini (-6.5, O/U 43.5) [11am, BTN]
Maryland Terrapins (-2.5, O/U 44.5) at Nebraska Cornhuskers [11am, Peacock]
Vanderbilt Commodores at South Carolina Gamecocks (-13.5, O/U 57.5) [11am, SECN]
Virginia Tech Hokies (-1.5, O/U 49.5) at Boston College Eagles [11am, ACCN]
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Clemson Tigers (-14.5, O/U 55.5) [11am, ABC]
Temple Owls at South Florida Bulls (-7, O/U 68.5) [11am, ESPN+]
Yale Bulldogs at Princeton Tigers [11am, ESPNU]
Old Dominion (+13.5, O/U 59.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
Penn Quakers at #19 Harvard Crimson [12pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Texas Tech Red Raiders at #16 Kansas Jayhawks

11am | FS1 | Kansas -3.5 | O/U 61.5

#14 North Dakota 88ers at #6 South Dakota Coyotes

12pm | ESPN+

Western Illinois Leathernecks at Indiana State Sycamores

12pm | ESPN+ | 0-9 vs. 0-9!

There are six 0-9* teams of the 261 playing Division 1 college football:

• Indiana State (Sagarin #194) — the Sycamores play in the toughest division in FCS—the Missouri Valley Football Conference—but have lost three games by one score, including one in overtime at then-#15 North Dakota.
• Northern Colorado (#218) — first-year coach Ed Lamb replaced Ed McCaffrey, and it’s gone as well as you’d expect in the loaded Big Sky. The Bears have played six ranked teams in nine games.
• Wofford (#219) — the Terriers have lost three games by three points.
• Stony Brook (#242) — what started out as a promising year for the Seawolves has turned into a disaster: since October began their games have gone [canceled because of mass shooter at Morgan State], 26-7, 45-14, 48-13, 56-17. They finish up on Saturday, playing rivals and #18 Albany for THE GOLDEN APPLE.
• The Citadel (#245) — the Bulldogs have not scored more than 16 points in a game this season.
• Western Illinois (#248) — the Leathernecks, a historic doormat, have lost their last three games—admittedly, to #14 NDSU, #11 SIU, and #18 UNI—by a combined 165-13. They are leaving the MVFC for the OVC in 2024.

*McNeese is 0-8, while Northwestern State abandoned its season at 0-6 following the murder of one of its players.

Special shoutout here to Presbyterian! The Blue Hose (3-6) at ranked dead-ass last, at 261st. The non-scholarship Blue Hose, who dabbled for one year with Kevin Kelley’s “no punt, go for it, onside kick” style, have only defeated D-II VA-Lynchburg, 0-fer Club Member Wofford (by 3), and non-scholly team Dayton (by 3, in OT). They have existed for 110 years and made one bowl, the 1959 Tangerine Bowl, which they lost to Middle Tennesse, 21-12.

Saturday Afternoon
Don’t Watch This

#21 Arizona Wildcats (-10.5, O/U 54.5) at Colorado Buffaloes [1pm, Pac-12]
UConn Huskies at James Madison Dukes (-25.5, O/U 48.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
NC State Wolfpack (-2.5, O/U 43.5) at Wake Forest Demon Deacons [1pm, The CW]
Memphis Tigers (-9.5, O/U 51.5) at Charlotte 49ers [1pm, ESPN+]
Troy Trojans (-21.5, O/U 45.5) at UL Monroe Warhawks [1pm, ESPN+]
Baylor Bears at #25 Kansas State Wildcats (-20.5, O/U 55.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
Sam Houston Bearkats at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-7.5, O/U 48.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
Nevada Wolf Pack at Utah State Aggies (-16.5, O/U 56.5) [2pm, MWN]
Miami Hurricanes at #4 Florida State Seminoles (-14.5, O/U 50.5) [2:30pm, ABC]
#18 Utah Utes at #5 Washington Huskies (-9.5, O/U 53.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
#13 Tennessee Volunteers (-1, O/u 58.5) at #14 Missouri Tigers [2:30pm, CBS]
Northwestern Wildcats at Wisconsin Badgers (-11, O/U 43.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at #22 Iowa Hawkeyes (-1.5, O/U 28.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
FIU Sunblazers at Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders (-11.5, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Minnesota Golden Gophers at Purdue Boilermakers (-1, O/U 46.5) [2:30pm, NBC]
Pittsburgh Panthers (-3, O/U 37.5) at Syracuse Orange [2:30pm, ACCN]
UAB Blazers (-3, O/U 54.5) at Navy Midshipmen [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Texas State Bobcats (-1, O/U 58.5) at Coastal Carolina Chanticleers [2:30pm, ESPN+]
#15 Southern Illinois Salukis at #13 North Dakota State Poultry Factory and Tumbleweed Emporium Bizon [2:30pm, ESPN+]
#7 NC Central Eagles at Howard Bison [2:30pm, ESPNU]
Auburn Tigers at Arkansas Razorbacks (-3, O/U 48.5) [3pm, SECN]
Washington State Cougars at California Golden Bears (-1, O/U 58.5) [3pm, ESPN2]
East Carolina Pirates at FAU Owls (-7.5, O/U 45.5) [3pm, ESPN+]
Arkansas State Red Wolves at South Alabama Jaguars (-11.5, O/U 55.5) [4pm, ESPN+]
Stanford Cardinal at #12 Oregon State Beavers (-21, O/U 54.5) [4:30pm, Pac-12]

Watch That

Appalachian State Mountaineers at Georgia State Panthers

1pm | ESPN+ | GASt -2 | O/U 60.5

Wofford Terriers at The Citadel Bulldogs

1pm | ESPN+ | 0-9 vs. 0-9!

#15 Oklahoma State Cowboys at UCF Knights

2:30pm | ESPN | OKSt -2.5 | O/U 64.5

New Mexico State Aggies at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

2:30pm | ESPN+ | WKU -4.5 | O/U 57.5

I couldn’t bring myself to elevate it because I don’t enjoy the New Coastal Carolina—you’re just Teal Georgia State to me now—but the Texas State-Coastal game could in theory be interesting. And the Bobcats are a great story, bowl-eligible for just the third time in their history and now, likely, having finally clinched an invite (they were unvited at 6-6 and 7-5 in 2013-14 under Dennis Franchione):

Texas State’s success also has me thinking: I was lucky enough in the 2023 cycle to get a number of different job offers (some non-tenure-track, hence tough decision-making). Across all the places I received an offer, here are their current football records:

• 7-2 (FBS)
• 6-3 (FBS)
• 6-3 (FCS)
• 6-4 (NAIA)

The school where I took a job has won one game and given up three times as many points as it has scored. They will likely lose again by 50+ this weekend, and I say again because...well, it won’t be the first or even the second time this fall.

Do I know how to pick ‘em, or what?

Saturday Evening
Don’t Watch This

#9 Ole Miss Rebels at #2 Georgia Bulldogs (-10.5, O/U 58.5) [6pm, ESPN]
West Virginia Mountaineers at #17 Oklahoma Sooners (-12.5, O/U 58.5) [6pm, FOX]
Georgia Southern Eagles (-2.5, O/U 56.5) at Marshall Thundering Herd [6pm, NFLN]
San Diego State Aztecs at Colorado State Rams (-4, O/U 47.5) [6pm, CBSSN]
Michigan State Spartans at #1 Ohio State (-31.5, O/U 47.5) [6:30pm, NBC]
#7 Texas Longhorns (-10, O/U 53.5) at TCU Horned Frogs [6:30pm, ABC]
Florida Gators at #19 LSU Tigers (-14, O/U 63.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
Mississippi State Bulldogs at Texas A&M Aggies (-18.5, O/U 43.5) [6:30pm, ESPN2]
Rice Owls at UTSA Roadrunners (-16, O/U 58.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Duke Blue Devils at North Carolina Tar Heels (-14, O/U 50.5) [7pm, ACCN]

Watch That

Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Houston Cougars

6pm | FS1 | UH -2 | O/U 55.5

A brief word on why I will not tell you to watch Iowa-Rutgers no many how many Twitter accounts there are devoted to reducing SICKODOM to “heh heh heh I watched Auburn punt from the opponent’s 45, how SICK am I!”—(1) you’re not, and (2) Iowa offers not even interesting shit at this point.

I say that not to begrudge Iowa fans their 7-2 record; I would certainly rather my team be 7-2 than 4-5. Your chubby fingers need not type what you consider a witty 100-word riposte, cornlard—rest assured, I know: scoreboard.

No, it’s that what had been enjoyable about Iowa football—watching that offense, with Deacon Hill and his pancake ass, stumble around and throw ducks to the cartoon dogs that are Northwestern linebackers, making me believe I too can tip the scales at 250 pounds and be a college quarterback—isn’t even necessary anymore. Take the third quarter, when Iowa had a 7-0 lead and committed a holding penalty deep in its territory on 1st and 10. On the three ensuing plays, the Hawkeyes ran the ball up the middle. They did not even try to pick up a first down.

And again: good for them! That is having an elite defense! They knew they could win the game! (They almost didn’t and probably could have lost to Northwestern in hilarious fashion, but again—pick the Busch Light back up, it’s going to be OK—scoreboard.)

But it is just boring, disgusting football to watch. No thank you.

This isn’t a great evening slate. I feel nothing when I watch Georgia; I’m sure Lane Kiffin will grimace and stomp and shout, I just don’t enjoy the professionalism that is the Kirby Smart Bulldogs. Maybe SDSU-CSU could be good, since the Aztecs bring the Iowa approach to offense—it is something that must be endured, watch this quarterback flail around at the forward pass—while Colorado State treats defense in a similar manner and asks a young quarterback with a name that is far too long and a kicker who is far too long to do a lot of things and go quickly and also...well...an attempt was made!

I’m sure there’s college basketball on.

It’s late and I’m drunk...
Don’t Watch This

Arizona State Sun Devils at UCLA Bruins (-17, O/U 44.5) [8pm, Pac-12]
#3 Montana Grizzlies at Portland State Vikings [8pm, ESPN+]
New Mexico Lobos at Boise State Broncos (-24, O/U 60.5) [9pm, FS1]
Iowa State Cyclones (-6.5, O/U 41.5) at BYU Cougars [9:15pm, ESPN]
Air Force Falcons (-18.5, O/U 47.5) at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors [10pm, Team1Sports]

Watch That

USC Trojans at #6 Oregon Ducks

9:30pm | FOX | Oregon -16.5 | O/U 73.5

Fresno State Bulldogs at San Jose State Spartans

9:30pm | CBSSN | Fresno -1 | O/U 56.5 | BATTLE FOR THE VALLEY

Silicon! Corporate agriculture! Whatever kind of valley you want—as long as it’s one of those two—you’ll find it on CBSSN on Saturday night. Just behold, the VALLEY CUP:

OK, so now it’s the valley trophy. So now it’s a weird V despite neither of these teams having a V in their titles. SHUT UP AND TAKE IT; IT’S BAD COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

Have a great weekend, go Builders!