Good morning, readers.

Have Big Ten football questions? Want searing, red hot Big Ten football content?

You’ve come to the right place.

Now, I know some of you were looking at the calendar and thinking “Oh, good one, MNW. Very funny. We know what this is about.”

That’s not what we’re doing here.

We are all about the journalism.

Here at Off Tackle Empire, a subsidiary of SBNation, in turn a property of Vox Media, which in turn is owned by Sheinhardt Wig Company, itself a subsidiary of Halliburton—

That is to say, if you’re looking for Big Ten football news, this is the site for you.

TO WIT: BIG TEN PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS

*Ranked by likeliness of the coach to beat me in a race to eat a whole frozen pizza

1. Illinois Fighting Illini
2. Maryland Terrapins
3. Michigan Wolverines
4. Northwestern Wildcats
5. Rutgers Scarlet Knights
6. Minnesota Golden Gophers
7. Penn State Nittany Lions
8. Nebraska Cornhuskers
9. Michigan State Spartans
10. Indiana Hoosiers
11. Ohio State Buckeyes
12. wisconsin badgers
13. Purdue Boilermakers
14. Iowa Hawkeyes

Thank you. I will be taking questions in the comments.

And remember, this was journalism: nothing in it was factually incorrect (other than the Halliburton thing), and if it was—consider this an open invitation to any of the Big Ten coaches to prove me wrong—we will issue a retraction.