Hello and welcome to yet another cocktail party preview! Thanks for coming. And yes, this is a crushed velvet smoking jacket. I have no idea how many University of Chicago graduates had to die to get enough maroon for it, but it really is quite luxurious. Anyway, let’s get this soiree started, shall we?

About 2022

Welcome to the new normal. Minnesota is competent, but we’ve retained the ability to shoot ourselves in the dick when simply trying to shoot ourselves in the foot. (Case in point: Purdue). 9-4, t-2 West. Retained the Axe and Chair by being better than wisconsin and Nebraska. Again/still.

Talk about some football stuff

Offense

New QB. New RB. Chris Autman-Bell is still here, but new-ish WR corps. New OL. Brevyn Spann-Ford is still here at TE, too. That’s cool.

Defense

Joe Rossi is the 2^nd best DC in the B1G. I’d argue that he’s close to the best, but he doesn’t have to drag the results of the head coach’s broken condom around like Phil Parker does. DT is going to be new and exciting (Exactly what kind of “exciting” will be determined at a later date. Cody Lindenberg will lead the LBs, and DBs will be anchored by Justin Walley and Tyler Nubin. We should be just fine.

Special Teams

I’ve been told that punter Mark Crawford has a nice smile. We call for a fair catch on every single punt we field. I dunno, yay us?

2023 Schedule

Yikes.

If you meet a Minnesota grad…

Don’t mention: Not being able to beat Iowa, Constantly being the bridesmaid in the West, Basketball, the NCAA hockey championship game, wrestling, Minneapolis being a crime-riddled death haven (YOU WILL GET SHOT IF YOU EVEN BREATHE THE AIR IN MINNEAPOLIS!)

Do mention: “Pretty cool that Minnesota keeps beating wisconsin, isn’t it?” Because it is.