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Minnesota Closing Arguments 2023: The Gophers are the West’s Model of Consistency?

The Golden Gophers are in an OK spot, and I’m perfectly content with that.

“How the hell am I the 4th-longest tenured coach in the B1G?”
Photo by James Black/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

All right. Let’s do this really quick just in case I have to run out the door yet again.

We’re a week away from the start of Gopher football season, and I’m oddly calm. That means one of two things: We’re going to have another exciting but good season (2019) or all of the shit is about to hit the fan (2016). Which one will it be? I’ll let you know in December.

I. Opening

A. Case History

Minnesota were once again perfectly fine in 2022, going 9-4 and winning the historic Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl. As expected, we beat wisconsin and Nebraska and lost to Iowa and Bert (and his Illini). Mo Ibrahim was really good, and we failed to win against Purdue without him. We also got walloped by PSU in a whiteout game that was a ton of fun to attend but not very much fun at all to get to.

B. Opening Statement

Ladies, gentlemen, and fans of other quadrangle teams, the Gophers are ok. Mo Ibrahim, Jon Michael Schmitz, and Tanner Morgan are all gone. Kirk Ciarrocca left for some desolate outpost in the B1G East once again.

It’s fine. Perfectly fine.

II Discovery

Cocktail Party




III Schedule of Events

Aug 31: vs. Nebraska

Sept 9: vs. Eastern Michigan

Sept 16: at North Carolina

Sept 23: at Northwestern

Sept 30: Louisiana

Oct 7: Michigan

Oct 14: University of Minnesota Police Department

Oct 21: at Iowa

Oct 28: Michigan State

Nov 4: Illinois

Nov 11: at Purdue

Nov 18: at Ohio State

Nov 25: wisconsin

Dec 2: B1G Championship Game

IV Appeal to Emotion

Let me begin by acknowledging that schedule. The trip to North Carolina and heisman candidate Drake Maye will not be easy. Michigan and Ohio State are almost certainly losses, barring absolutely catastrophic for either of those teams. And we still haven’t beaten Iowa since the 51-14 hiding we gave them all the way back in 2014 or Bert since ever.

But that’s no reason to think that Minnesota won’t easily be getting to a bowl game again. If you want the reasons for Gopher fans to be confident in themselves, just remember that Athan Kaliakmanis has the best arm of any Gopher QB I’ve ever seen (and better than multiple Vikings QBs of my lifetime as well, even though everyone reading this has a better arm than Christian Ponder), the WR corps will be the deepest we’ve seen since 2019 along with BSF actually catching passes from the TE spot, the OL is always just fine under Brian Callahan, and we can all sleep soundly at night knowing that Joe Rossi is screaming through people while running our very very good defense.

But there’s also the rest of the B1G West. Northwestern is just here because they have to be. Purdue has a new HC, and is switching from an offensive coach to a defensive one. Nebraska has a good coach in Matt Rhule, but they did fuck all to improve their OL, and they even kept Donovan Raiola. wisconsin hired a guy who’s got a losing record as a B1G coach (AT FUCKING OHIO STATE!), and are going to try to switch to an air raid with their OL and there’s been rumblings that the defense is focused on “versatility” and “speed” instead of their usual “being really stout.” Please, for the love of God I want to see your 2-3-6 against Illinois and us. Please. Iowa? I don’t want to bet against them, mostly because their own players are betting down the line. And that just leaves Illinois. They’ll be OK as well because Bert’s pretty good at this.

We’re fine, everybody else except Illinois is a mess. It feels pretty nice to be OK.

V. Closing Arguments

Row the boat. Ski-U-Mah. Go Gophers.

B. Verdict

You see that? Everybody has Minnesota in a bowl game. That’s actually a bit terrifying to me, because there’s usually some “writers” that have us winning 3-4 games. LET’S FUCKING GO!!!


How many games do the Gophers win?

This poll is closed

  • 7%
    10 or more
    (17 votes)
  • 18%
    (42 votes)
  • 27%
    (61 votes)
  • 30%
    (67 votes)
  • 8%
    (19 votes)
  • 7%
    5 or fewer
    (17 votes)
223 votes total Vote Now


Is Goldy the best mascot in the B1G?

This poll is closed

  • 100%
    (120 votes)
120 votes total Vote Now


Are you terrified by the concept of competent, consistent Minnesota?

This poll is closed

  • 23%
    Yes, because I’m not a fan of the Gophers
    (32 votes)
  • 76%
    Yes, because I’m a Gopher fan
    (105 votes)
137 votes total Vote Now