Week 2: B1G Stock Report

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It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are four “Buys” and four “Sells.” This is indicative of a neutral trend on the OTE Index. The direction of market will become clearer as more data becomes available.

The second week of the season offered a mostly mediocre slate of opponents. The opponent that was not mediocre, Colorado, was met by a thoroughly dysfunctional Nebraska. The East took care of business. The West? Not so much.

Which West squad will earn the trip to Indianapolis and lose to the East champ? It will not be Northwestern or Nebraska, but otherwise the outcome is uncertain. So now we bring you...

The Quest for the Poisoned Chalice:

The Gophers remain in the lead. Congrats, or something.

Onward.

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Buy

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Delaware, 63-7) Under no circumstances will I go out of my way to watch the Nits play the Delaware Blue Hens. The score sheet is impressive, though — no turnovers and a 34-5 first down margin. This looks like a polished and disciplined team, and as a Nebraska fan I resent that fact. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Illinois.

Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated UNLV, 35-7 ) The Wolverines are running a gantlet of pool noodles to start this season. Michigan kicked this particular tomato can to the curb, and evidently looked fairly polished in the process. The Head-Coach-for-a-day program continues for one more week. Rutgers will be their sternest test in September. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Bowling Green.

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Youngstown State, 35-7) The Tressel Bowl was played, and Ohio State won. Buckeye fans are not as agitated as they were last week, so things must have gone fairly well. Sure, I could have watched this game — but like making the tattoo joke I am sure belongs here — my heart wasn’t in it. I am sure Marvin Harrison Jr. is still quite good. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Western Kentucky.

Maryland Terrapins

(Defeated Charlotte, 38-20) Maryland did its best Nebraska impression by spotting Charlotte a quick fourteen points. Unlike the Huskers, the Terps rallied to limit the damage and overcome the self-sabotage. The schedule looks good, and they should be favored in every game until they face Ohio State in October. Friday’s opponent, Virginia, just lost to James Madison at home. Moved up to “Buy.” Next up: Virginia (Friday).

Hold

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Defeated Iowa State, 20-13) The Hawkeyes failed to lose ¡El Assico! this year, and will likely go undefeated into their road trip to Penn State. Air Ferentz remains anemic...and comical. This team will likely win the West, proving both that God does not care about sports, and also that she has a twisted sense of humor. Next up: Western Michigan.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Defeated Eastern Michigan, 25-6) The Boat Rowers did their standard squeeze the air of the football schtick, with improved special teams play this time. The best news is that they have found a running back — freshman Darius Taylor ran for 193 yards and a touchdown. MACrifice consummated. The contrast of styles will be stark in Chapel Hill, and I do not like the Gophers’ chances in a shootout. Next up: @North Carolina.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Defeated Temple, 36-7) Rutgers hosted a team from Philly, and promptly punched them in the mouth. The Scarlet Knights are rounding out into a pretty tough crew, and they again won in the trenches and played solid run defense. Schiano’s squad is a third of the way to bowl eligibility. A win over the turkeys, or a very competitive performance, will vault ‘Gers into “Buy” territory. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Virginia Tech.

Purdue Boilermakers

(Defeated Virginia Tech, 24-17) This contest was weird, even by Purdue standards. The Boilers overcame the elements, a six hour delay, and the Virginia Tech Hokies by dominating time of possession and running the ball. This was a very solid road win. Next up: Syracuse.

Indiana Hoosiers

(Defeated Indiana State, 41-7) The Sycamores of Indiana State are a poor football team. That said, the Hoosiers did exactly what power five teams should do to FCS opponents. Indiana’s offense ran riot, and ISU was held under a hundred yards. IU is now a “Hold.” (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Louisville.

Wisconsin Badgers

(Lost to Washington State, 31-22) Sconnie is a work in progress. Even so, the weasels walked into a hostile Palouse and gave a game effort. This team is not yet good or productive enough to overcome three turnovers. Very few teams are. From experience, the Badgers need to get their heads right, as Georgia Southern is not easily intimidated. Seriously. Next up: Georgia Southern.

Sell

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Lost to Kansas, 34-23) This game was not as close as the score might indicate, the Jayhawks built a 34-7 lead, and then held off the Illini at arm’s length in the end. Kansas was obviously the superior team. Bert needs to circle the wagons, because this season could get away from him quickly. Obviously, getting destroyed by Kansas puts Illinois in the “Sell” category. Next up: Penn State.

Michigan State Spartans

(Defeated Richmond, 45-14) The Spartan football program is in turmoil after Coach Mel Tucker was suspended without pay pending a Title IX hearing. This will now be a turbulent fall in East Lansing, and the competition is about to get much tougher — a top ten ranked Washington Huskies team comes visiting. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Washington.

Northwestern Wildcats

(Defeated UTEP, 38-7) UTEP was the prescription for what ailed the Wildcats — facing competent opposition. N’ern amassed nearly 400 yards of offense, winning the turnover battle 3-0. The ‘Cats have matched their win total from a year ago. Surely that respite was nice, but things will probably get ugly in Durham. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Duke.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Lost to Colorado, 36-14) Nebraska takes over as conference shitbird this week. If you cannot execute fundamental things — such as the center exchange — you cannot score. If you cannot score, you cannot win. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Northern Illinois.

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Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.