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Week 3: B1G Stock Report

This delayed installment brought to you by “Influenza A”

Northern Illinois v Nebraska Photo by Steven Branscombe/Getty Images

It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are four “Buys” and six “Sells.” This is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index. The direction of market is becoming clearer as more data becomes available. Stay away from open windows.

The third week of the season had the mighty B1G go 2-4 against the ACC. The Conference has had better weeks, and so have I.

Which West squad will earn the trip to Indianapolis and lose to the East champ? Minnesota is the only division team with a conference win, but the dependable mediocrities of Iowa and Wisconsin are poised to flounder. Livestock statues will eventually decide the issue.

The Quest for the Poisoned Chalice:

The Gophers are still in the lead. Congrats, or something.



Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Illinois, 30-13) Penn State went on the road against Bert’s Illini, in a conference game, at night, and won the turnover battle 5-0. It was not pretty, but it was convincing. Penn State can win ugly. This is a good arrow to have in the quiver, because....Next up: Iowa.

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Western Kentucky, 63-10) The Buckeyes have spent the last two weeks building the confidence of new signal caller Kyle McCord. This week we will see if that exercise bears fruit when the Buckeyes visit the Domers. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Notre Dame.

Maryland Terrapins

(Defeated Virginia, 42-14) Spotting the opponent two touchdowns is a bold strategy, but it keeps paying off for the Terps. Maryland thoroughly outclassed the Hoos in this one in front of 37,041 fans — many of whom came dressed as empty seats. September Maryland is now half its way to bowl eligibility. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Michigan State.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Defeated Virginia Tech, 35-16) Rutgers pushed around its old conference rival in the running game, and on pulled away on the strength of Kyle Monongai’s 143 yard, three touchdown performance. Rutgers is undefeated through three games, and needs to win three of the next nine to go bowling. Now a “Buy,” ‘Gers is not very stylish, but they have been effective. Next up: @Michigan.


Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Bowling Green, 31-6 ) Michigan, utilizing its third head coach in as many weeks, defeated its third overmatched opponent in as many weeks. This outing was uninspired, but it did provided “multiple learning opportunities” and “coaching points” as the milkman jumps back in the saddle to confront Rutgers in this week’s episode of MANBALL. MACrifice consummated. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Rutgers.

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Defeated Western Michigan, 41-10) Iowa ran all over the Broncos, but lost the turnover battle 2-1 in the process. This bodes ill for the trip to Happy Valley. MACrifice consummated. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Penn State.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Lost to North Carolina, 31-13) This was a horrible match-up for Minnesota, and the game played out in predictable fashion. Drake Maye threw it up and down the field, and the Gophers could not match them point for point. The Boat Rowers will recover by playing Northwestern and the Ragin’ Cajuns over the next two weeks. Next up: @Northwestern.

Wisconsin Badgers

(Defeated Georgia Southern, 35-14) The Dairy Raid Offense is still a work in progress, but the defense mustered six takeaways from the Eagle quarterback. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Purdue (Friday).


Purdue Boilermakers

(Lost to Syracuse, 35-20) Purdue played another disjointed and weird contest with Syracuse. Somehow, the Boilers were still in this late after losing three fumbles, but they did not capitalize on the opportunity. The football world is shocked, shocked. Next up: Wisconsin (Friday).

Indiana Hoosiers

(Lost to Louisville, 21-14) Indiana coach Tom Allen seems capable of getting his team to run through a wall for him, only for them to encounter a higher and thicker wall beyond. The Hoosiers have found a quarterback in Tayven Allen. I do not know what to hell an IU fan...try to beat Akron? Next up: Akron.

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Lost to Penn State, 30-13) Illinois got out-Berted. Defense and special teams travel well. Next up: Florida Atlantic.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Defeated Northern Illinois, 35-11) It is amazing what happens when you only have one turnover. Heinrich Haarberg had a very good first outing, and Nebby built some confidence. MACrifice consummated. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Louisiana Tech.

Michigan State Spartans

(Lost to Washington, 41-7) With the quality of the opponent, and all of the drama in East Lansing, we knew this was coming. Still, this is the type of loss that could topple a bunch of a very bad way for Sparty. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Maryland.

Northwestern Wildcats

(Lost to Duke, 38-14) Duke was just better. The Blue Devils reached third down only nine times in the game. They outrushed and outthrew the ‘Cats. Most damningly, they even had the better punter. Northwestern is back in the shitbird seat. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Wisconsin.

Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.


Week 3: Least Convincing Win?

This poll is closed

  • 35%
    (150 votes)
  • 10%
    Penn State
    (43 votes)
  • 18%
    (79 votes)
  • 31%
    (134 votes)
  • 4%
    (19 votes)
425 votes total Vote Now


Week 3: Who should be most embarrassed?

This poll is closed

  • 6%
    (30 votes)
  • 1%
    Penn State
    (8 votes)
  • 2%
    (12 votes)
  • 53%
    Michigan State
    (245 votes)
  • 8%
    (37 votes)
  • 7%
    (36 votes)
  • 3%
    (17 votes)
  • 15%
    (72 votes)
457 votes total Vote Now