Week 4: B1G Stock Report

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It is time to rate things on the internet.

A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.

I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.

Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.

There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.

There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.

The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.

Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.

This week there are four “Buys” and seven “Sells.” This is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index. The direction of market has become clear as more data became available: The West is ass.

The fourth week of the season had the mighty B1G flood the evening television window. Penn State and Ohio State put their best feet forward. Every other B1G team in that window? I will just say that they provided a singular viewing experience.

Which West squad will earn the trip to Indianapolis and lose to the East champ?

The Quest for the Poisoned Chalice:

Wisconsin is floating on the top of untreated sewage. Congrats, or something.

Onward.

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Buy

Ohio State Buckeyes

(Defeated Notre Dame, 17-14) Despite a very questionable short-yardage play choice, the Buckeyes went in to Notre Dame and took care of business. Kyle McCord may not be a first round draft pick, but he performed more than ably in a tough environment. As much as we hate to admit it, this is the marquee non-conference win for the B1G this year. Next up: Idle (Maryland, 10/7).

Penn State Nittany Lions

(Defeated Iowa, 31-0) Penn State simply annihilated Iowa, holding Air Ferentz to 76 yards and four first downs. They did allow one conversion on third down, so there is at least one coaching point out there for Coach Franklin’s staff. It is still early, but this looks like the most complete team in the league. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Northwestern.

Michigan Wolverines

(Defeated Rutgers, 31- 7) After allowing a quick Rutgers touchdown, the Wolverines settled in and rode an old-fashioned strategy of MANBALL to victory. This team has not been challenged at all, and may not be tested until November. The Michigan Men play their first road game against the Huskers this week. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: @Nebraska.

Maryland Terrapins

(Defeated Michigan State, 31-9) Maryland went on the road and beat a spiraling Spartan squad. The Terps had five takeaways, and Coach Locksley’s team dispatched MSU in a business-like fashion. There is one more game left in September, then Maryland must travel to Columbus. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Indiana.

Hold

Wisconsin Badgers

(Defeated Purdue, 38-17) On one hand, the Badgers went on the road and defeated a conference rival by three touchdowns. On the other hand, they lost a game-breaking talent for the season. Teams in the West cannot win for losing. We at OTE wish Chez Mellusi a quick and complete recovery. Hang in there, young man. (Third-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (Rutgers, 10/7).

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

(Lost to Michigan, 31-7) Coach Schiano is one of the chief proponents of tough guy football in the conference, but the Knights ran into the Big House and left the worse for wear. The Michigan depth advantage is formidable. This is an improved Rutgers squad, and should be two-thirds of the way to bowl eligibility by this time next week. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Wagner.

Northwestern Wildcats

(Defeated Minnesota, 37-34) I do not know how Northwestern found it in them. I’m not sure they know, either. Congrats to the ‘Cats on the big win, but it may be their last. Next up: Penn State.

Sell

Iowa Hawkeyes

(Lost to Penn State, 31-0) The continued absence of imagination, offense, or accountability is awe-inspiring. Iowa’s offense has gone into full torpor. Inevitably, the Hawkeyes will win the West going away. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: Michigan State.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

(Defeated Louisiana Tech, 28-14) Coach Rhule is making progress, and the team is improving. The Huskers had zero (0!) turnovers against the Bulldogs, and currently has the top rushing defense in the country (46.2 YPG). This team also lost to Minnesota. Next up: Michigan.

Illinois Fighting Illini

(Defeated Florida Atlantic, 23-17) Illinois beat the mighty Florida Atlantic Owls, who were starting their backup quarterback, by six points at home. I-L-L—I-N-I. Next up: @Purdue.

Indiana Hoosiers

(Defeated Akron, 29-27) Good teams cover. Lousy teams squeak one out over the Zips. MACrifice consummated, in quadruple overtime, at home. Gross. Next up: @Maryland.

Purdue Boilermakers

(Lost to Wisconsin, 38-17) Purdue’s defense could not get off the field on third down. The offense, between turnovers and mental errors, could not pull it together. The Boilers need to knock of Illinois to keep any post-season aspirations alive. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: Illinois.

Michigan State Spartans

(Lost to Maryland, 31-9) Interim Coach Harlon Barnett indicated it was a good sign that no player raised his hand when he asked them if they wanted to quit and move on. Alrighty. The fact, however, that he is having that conversation with his team (and airing it to the press) is a very bad sign. Sparty is barely holding it together. (Mollywhopped in the Third-Degree) Next up: @Iowa.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

(Lost to Northwestern, 37-34) Minnesota’s Darius Taylor ran for 196 yards and two touchdowns. The Gophers did not turn the ball over at all. Yet, they somehow blew a three touchdown lead to Northwestern. How is this possible? Northwestern threw for 400 yards. How is that possible? Congrats on being shitbird of the week. Next up: Louisiana.

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Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.