Week 0 College Football Schedule Guide: Don’t Watch This; Watch That

About Don’t Watch This; Watch That

Don’t Watch This; Watch That is college football’s ONLY watch guide that has a semicolon. To help you understand that, here’s the syllabus from 2022. Like most professors, I won’t be updating it to account for 2024.

The general ethos of DWT;WT is that there's lots of good college football out there, and we rarely watch any of it, but we ought to do better. In today's media landscape, college football exists as an inexorable march to the College Football Playoff, the Heisman Trophy, and the NFL Draft.

DWT;WT believes "fuck that, let's watch bad football."

It's not an out-of-hand rejection of "Power 5 football": you'll see plenty of marquee Big Ten and SEC games, particularly when they're two high-profile teams in a game with actual stakes.

But it's also a goal of appreciating the things that make college football, well...college football. The pageantry of a good marching band. The way a whole campus and community shows our because the big lights are coming to West Mountain A&M State for one game only. The way Eastern Lick State and Western Lick State play for a giant bronzed penis trophy and damnit, it MATTERS.

Those games will be played at weird times, on weird channels, and often with very little-to-no national fanfare.

To wit, over the last however many years I've wasted my life on this article, I've recommended you watch live college football games on...

• Team1Sports
• The Mountain West Network
• Eleven Sports
• Stadium Sports
• Dozens of YouTube channels
• Facebook Live
• beIN Network
• And surely dumber ones, too.

Some of this, I think, stems from the fun of the chase. When I was in school, Northwestern football played a road game at Rice, the game was only going to be broadcast on a proprietary website called OWLVISION.

I don't remember ALL the circumstances, but actually getting it to play on our fraternity TV wasn't working. So we went to the local Buffalo Wild Wings (RIP), who promised they'd be able to get it on the screen.

Thirty minutes of pixelated, buffering football later, we left. I think the game was well in hand.

It doesn't matter, in retrospect: there was a disgusting thrill to finding a terrible but legal way to watch the game you love.

That fall, Northwestern--for a reason that I can only assume was Bill Carmody's love of being a curmudgeon--opened the basketball season with two straight road games: at Northern Illinois (which I and two friends drove to), and at what was then called UT-Pan American (now UTRGV). We were seasoned pros by then, watching the game on our TV with the HDMI cables connected to the fraternity TV.

Was it still grainy, bad basketball? Of course!

But it was the hunt, the joy we felt, the absurdity of it all, and that the game mattered.

That's why I write DWT;WT.

---

Anyway. Big news. Holy shit.

Reader ckstevenson brought this to our attention in the daily FanPost section earlier this week, and...uh...

...I may have overreacted a tad.

But look: I’m not a video game guy. Can’t play ‘em. No talent for it. So the release of the EA college football game, while exciting in a general sense, didn’t do much for me beyond remind me of how I’d play in my fraternity house as Army or Georgia Tech and just spam the triple option until I lost by 50.

Backyard Sports were much more my level.

I was a big Backyard Baseball guy, with Backyard Football being Game 1B in that ranking, and Backyard Soccer further down the list.

Hell, here’s your Official Backyard Sports Games Ranking:

1. Backyard Baseball
2. Backyard Football
3. Backyard Soccer
4. Backyard Hockey
5. Backyard Skateboarding
6. A glitchy version of Egg Game
7. Backyard Basketball

B1G Backyard Football

As part of getting too excited and falling back down the rabbit hole of Backyard Football, I decided to play out a few games and teams on my emulator version of the game. (Also, shoutout to SBN’s Kofie Yeboah, who rated all the game’s power-ups back in 2018.)

But obviously you’ve got to make the rosters first.

Northwestern Wildcats

Ohio State Buckeyes

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Iowa Hawkeyes

No one on this team can throw, and this was all for a Tory Taylor joke.

I’ll play a couple seasons and let you know how it goes.

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

Jacksonville Jaguars at Atlanta Falcons [6pm, NFLN]
San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Raiders (right?) [9pm, NFLN]

{CPL} York United vs. Forge [7pm, FS2]
{Liga MX} Queretaro vs. Cruz Azul [8pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Xolos vs. Rayados [10:05pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Hamilton Tiger-Cats at Winnipeg Blue Bombers

7:30pm | CBSSN | WPG -9.5 | O/U 48.5

Geelong Cats vs. West Coast Eagles

10:30pm | FS2

No lines for NFL preseason games. Please seek help if you’re considering betting on those.

There’s no college football starting until the actual Saturday morning—pour some out, please, for season-opening Paint Bucket Bowl action from somewhere in east-central North Dakota.

So I’ll toss you this bone: watch fun quasi-football instead. You’re in for this if you watch Canadian football!

You’re in for this if you watch Aussie Rules Football!

My AFL team, Fremantle, has dropped its last three games to slip to ninth in the ladder. They’re now two points out of a playoff position in what is the BEST playoff system, the AFL final eight system: the first-place team plays the fourth-place team for a spot in the semifinals, with the loser playing the winner of an elimination game between the fifth- and eighth-place teams.

Anyway, my Dockers likely need to beat second-place Port Adelaide just to have a sniff at the finals—while there are three teams tied just two points ahead of them (you get four for a win, two for a tie), only the Western Bulldogs play a higher-ranked team. So root for the Dockers to win, and one of the Bulldogs, Hawks, or Blues to lose. SHOVEL THAT COAL, DOCKER STEVE.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Pittsburgh Steelers at Detroit Lions [12pm, NFLN]

{Belgium Pro League} Westerlo vs. OH Leuven [11:15am, ESPN+]
{EPL} Aston Villa vs. Arsenal [11:30am, USA]
{Serie A} Parma vs. Milan [11:30am, CBS]
{Bundesliga} Borussia Dortmund vs. Eintracht Frankfurt [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Segunda} Levante vs. Cadeethhhh [12pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Florida State Seminoles “at” Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

11am | ESPN | FSU -10.5 | O/U 55.5 | at Aviva Stadium (Dublin, IE)

Watch college football.

I’ve got to get something off my chest: not every celebrity who’s ever had their 15 minutes should be allowed to write a children’s book.

There’s Go the Fuck to Sleep; sure. Whatever. I’m sure Jimmy Fallon was looking into a camera the entire time he wrote it.

But this book can go to hell:

If you’re looking for the schlockiest, most hackneyed writing with a mouse that’s an attention-seeking little shit being an absolute loudmouth brat and crying when people take notice of her, look no further!

I’m going to stomp on three Brave DVDs at the library this afternoon, just to prove a point.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

McNeese Cowboys at Tarleton State Texans [2:30pm, ESPN2]

Los Angeles Chargers at Dallas Cowboys [3pm, NFLN]

{CPL} HFX Wanderers vs. Atletico Ottawa [1pm, FS Plus]
{Eredivisie} Almere City vs. PSV [1pm, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga 2} Koln vs. Eintracht Braunschweig [1:30pm, ESPN+]
{CPL} Cavalry vs. Pacific [4pm, FS2]

Watch That

#4 Montana State Bobcats at New Mexico Lobos

3pm | FS1 | MTSt -11.5 | O/U 54.5

For like, the 50th time: yes, that’s Bronco Mendenhall for the Lobos, and yes, he’s losing by 30 at home to an FCS team.

Now, Montana State is no ordinary FCS team. They should contend for the Big Sky title! But man, that’s gotta be a disheartening way to start your year.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Southeast Missouri State Redhawks vs. North Alabama Lions [6pm, ESPN]

FCS Kickoff at Cramton Bowl (in Montgomery, AL)

Norfolk State Spartans vs. Florida A&M Rattlers [6:30pm, ABC]

MEAC/SWAC Challenge (in Atlanta, GA)

Giants at Jets [6:30pm, NFLN]

{MLS} Minnesota United vs. Seattle Sounders [5:45pm, FOX]

Watch That

Southern Methodist Cocaineponies at Nevada Wolf Pack

7pm | CBSSN | SMU -25.5 | Total 56.5

Of course, I’m going to spend this game in the stands at Allianz Field, watching Minnesota fail to beat Seattle for, like, the 15th straight time in team history. It’s a lot of fun!

The reasoning behind the Cocaineponies-Pack game over any of the other nonsense here is simple: Rhett Lashlee appears to be an incredible asshole when he’s coaching. He berates quarterbacks and runs up the score, and I am here for it.

SMU could win this game 55-27 and Lashlee will not be mad at his defense for allowing 27 points to what should be one of the worst offenses in college football, he’ll be mad at his quarterback for missing a wide-open receiver over the top and settling for a check-down and a field goal. It is exactly the energy I want you all to bring to this college football season, so fire up SMU-Nevada and let’s get to gettin’.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

#4 (NAIA) College of Idaho Yotes vs. Lincoln (CA) Oaks [8pm, Team1Sports]

Browns at Seahawks [9pm, NFLN]

Watch That

Western Bulldogs vs. Greater Western Sydney Giants

9:30pm | FS2

Delaware State Hornets at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10:59pm | Team1Sports | Hawai’i -39.5 | O/U 57.5

Lincoln University, a team that I’m fairly confident has never won a game, is also apparently a horrendous institution that exploits athletes by playing 12 road pay games, losing them all, and watching as students lack access to proper athletic training and need to use food stamps.

University President Mikhail Brodsky, meanwhile, said he is proud of the football team. And despite the allegations outlined by USA TODAY Sports, he said he has no plans to shut it down.

“You know this Chinese proverb? ‘If you’re riding on a tiger you cannot stop. You stop, tiger eats you,’” Brodsky explained. “We’re riding a tiger, it’s true. But we cannot stop.”

[...] “Nothing worked but sports,” said Brodsky, a Russian native who holds two advanced degrees and, in addition to his role at Lincoln, owns a bathhouse in San Francisco. “I wanted local students, so we needed to give something (for) them to come.”

The College of Idaho is the fourth-ranked team in NAIA football. So I’m sure that’ll go well. Maybe Mikhail can take it in after a stop at the bathhouse.

Instead, take the time to download the Team1Sports app to your phone (because, unless the rules have changed, they won’t be on your smart TV). Not only can you watch Hawai’i football when they’re at home and not on national TV, you can also watch random community colleges from around the country.

The beauty of this one is that Hawai’i will boatrace Delaware State to the point that you’ll be able to be asleep by midnight. Perfect scenario, in my opinion.

Football!

Happy second birthday, MNWildkit. I love you. (Please don’t ever read this site.)

Enjoy the games, everyone. This will serve as your weekend open thread, too.