I feel dirty.

Not the good kind of dirty, with whipped cream and cherries and strawberries on top, but the kind where you know you’re engaged in some immoral exercise where campuses that cannot control the spread of COVID-19 are going to continue exploiting un- or under-paid (pick whichever prefix outrages you more) student-athletes because football money printer goes brrrrrrrrr.

And so on marcheth Don’t Watch This; Watch That, your favorite semicolon-ed guide to all things on TV in college football and beyond this weekend.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I am officially back in the classroom and speaking through a clear plastic face shield at dozens of undergrads who neither want to nor can safely be on campus. They do not care what the Pendleton Act and civil service reform are, and my dramatic reenactment of the “Cross of Gold” speech is all for naught—there is a pandemic going on, after all.

And with that jaded attitude, I honestly don’t know what I can offer you in the way of biting social commentary (such that I ever offered any) or unique historical resources to make you think about the world. I’ve shared about redlining in the past; now everyone has become an expert on that with the murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, though.

So I’ll offer you the Mapping Prejudice project on Minneapolis, if you’ve not encountered it before. Look at the growth of racially-restrictive housing covenants across the Minneapolis area. Then look at the redlining map for the same area.

Then zoom in on where George Floyd was murdered.

Mapping Prejudice (screenshot)

We can all do more; God knows we at OTE have tried to acknowledge that and still fall woefully short. But if beating internet strangers—and my own students—over the head with that is what it takes in the meantime, I will take what I can get.

It’s disgusting to Zoom in on my suburb in that map and see that houses not five blocks from where I live were a part of this racial covenanting.

It’s tough to teach the Dakota War of 1862—complete with the largest mass execution in history, ordered by Abraham Lincoln and carried out with the hanging of 38 Sioux at Mankato on December 26, 1862—and acknowledge that five years later, the first of my ancestors to move to Minnesota did so on the fertile black soil of the Cottonwood River valley just outside New Ulm, which the Dakota had burned five years prior.

It’s disheartening to look out over my class today and see 28 white faces and one Asian American face staring back at me when this school is 73% white and 7% Black—with 86% of its faculty white, too.

Realizing that I’m part of the problem, that I’ve benefited from these historical processes, and vowing to do better; it’s a start. But it’s not good enough.

This was, uh, about your summer vacation?

right sorry i went to see a large ball of twine and a weird sculpture garden slash mini-golf course. oh, and my favorite brewery in the world reopened, which is cool. biked to a lot of New Deal sites (here’s that map).

oh yeah i got a doctorate too; that’s okay or whatever

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There’s lots of soccer and stuff on. I’ve listed games you should watch if you’re interested. If you’re not, disregard this and miss me with how you think soccer’s stupid or whatever.

Thursday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

{MLB} New York Yankees vs. New York Mets [3:10pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

{SOC} Germany vs. Spain

1:45pm | ESPN2 | UEFA Nations League

{SOC} Faroe Islands vs. Malta

1:45pm | ESPN+ | UEFA Nations League

Bulgaria vs. Ireland is happening, too. I’ll bet Ireland wins but Krum gets the Snitch.

Also: MY FAROESE

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Central Arkansas Bears vs. UAB Blazers [7pm, ESPN3]
{NBA} Toronto Raptors vs. Boston Celtics [5:30pm, TNT]
{NBA} Denver Nuggets vs. Los Angeles Clippers [8pm, TNT]
{NHL} Philadelphia Flyers vs. New York Islanders [6pm, NBCSN]

Watch That

South Alabama Jaguars at Southern Miss Golden Eagles

8pm | CBSSN | USM -15 | O/U 53.5

[15] Felix Auger-Aliassime vs. Andy Murray

US Open Men’s Singles | 8pm | ESPN

{NHL} Las Vegas Golden Knights vs. Vancouver Canucks

8:45pm | NBCSN | Vegas leads, 3-2

In all honesty? Watch either of them. The UCA Bears are apparently the official team of college football’s restart, having already mopped up Peay in a slop-filled opening weekend.

But also, this:

Wear your masks so we can have more places doing weird things like this. Soon.

Now we’ve got real, raw, and at times real raw Sun Belt-on-CUSA action here! After giving the then-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers a game in the 2019 opener (remember how stupid preseason polls are?), the Jaguars were not relevant again until a double-OT loss to Georgia Southern in October and did not win an FBS game until the curtain-dropper against Arkansas State. The Jaguars lost their only proven playmaker in RB Tra Minter, and it’s prove-it time for HC Steve Campbell, who, uh...well, he was sure good at Central Arkansas.

The Golden Eagles, on the other hand...limped to a 7-6 finish, beating only one bowl team—an amazing 37-2 win over UAB—and taking a rivalry game beating from Tulane in the Armed Forces Bowl. Jay Hopson has built a competent squad in Hattiesburg, and QB Jack Abraham has thrived on lesser opponents. So...there’s that.

Look, it’s football. I’m trying here.

There’s also women’s tennis on at the US Open, with [3] Serena Williams, [7] Madison Keys, and unseeded Victoria Azarenka all in action, but none of their opponents really give me a reason to watch.

On the men’s side, [15] Felix Auger-Aliassime takes on the comebacking Andy Murray on ESPN at 8pm, and that’s probably enough for me. FAA is a fun young Canadian who moves and strikes the ball well, and watching Murray grit and grimace and grouch through a bad hip and whatever else...this one will go five sets, so catch it later on.

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

{NBA} TBD vs. Los Angeles Lakers [8pm, ESPN]

Watch That

{NBA} Milwaukee Bucks vs. Miami Heat

5:30pm | TNT | Miami leads, 2-0

{NHL} Dallas Stars vs. Colorado Avalanche

TBD | NBCSN | Series tied, 3-3

{USL} Saint Louis FC vs. Sporting Kansas City II

7pm | ESPN+

{Liga MX} Tijuana vs. Monterrey

9:06pm | FS1

Hear me out: You know all the lazy critiques of soccer? Imagine those, but semi-warranted and punctuated by hilariously bad flopping, ridiculously good goals, and fields of questionable quality.

Xolos (Club Tijuana) have given up at least two goals in each of their last three losses. Monterrey have five goals in the last two games and enjoy the occasional red card. It’s weird, it’s bad, it’s dumb—give it a try.

Also, RIP to St. Louis FC, the cool club with a cooler logo that’s going to die so MLS can bring in another shitty franchise with a shitty logo and a Euro-ripoff name. Watch ‘em while you can.

Saturday Morning

Watch That

{SOC} Gibraltar vs. San Marino

8am | ESPN+ | UEFA Nations League

{SOC} West Ham United vs. AFC Bournemouth

9am | ESPN3 | Friendly

Here’s your Beez Weekend Update:

It has to be said: going organic or all-natural, or attempting to anyway, is absolutely garbage. I have a small garden in my driveway (it’s weird), and a fig, peach, and pear tree in my front yard. Not having any idea what goes in to spraying for bugs and pests or any of that Monsanto/smart produce-producing knowledge, I derive a haughty level of moral authority over everyone else by pretending my food is “all natural.”*

After the worst bug and pest summer in history, that nonsense is done. I’ve got some super concentrated spray (seriously, it’s like 2 TB per half gallon of water) that I’m going to use as directed next year, and the ants that swarm my figs and zucchini, the borers that eat my zucchini stems, the carpenter bees, bugs that look like little shields, and whatever the hell it is that drills a little hole into my peach and rots it from the inside out can all eff off to ruin someone else’s “hard” “work.”

Only issues left to solve then will be chipmunks eating tomatoes and crows(!) absolutely going ham on the figs. The chipmunks may prevail, but you can bet I’m getting a scarecrow installed next Spring. Or recruiting one of you to stand in my front yard all day and yell at birds, whichever seems easier.
*Using Miracle Grow garden soil doesn’t count shut up

This has been your Beez Weekend Update.

Saturday at Lunch

Don’t Watch This

Eastern Kentucky Colonels at Marshall Thundering Herd [12pm, ESPN]

Watch That

Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at Army Black Knights

12:30pm | CBSSN | Army -3.5 | O/U 56

{SOC} Iceland vs. England

11am | ABC | UEFA Nations League

All hail DWT;WT Team of Choice Army. All hail the Iceland Thunderclap.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

{MLB} San Diego Padres at Oakland Athletics [3:10pm, FOX]

Watch That

SMU Mustangs at Texas State Bobcats

3:30pm | ESPN | SMU -22 | O/U 70

This is a Sonny Dykes football team. They will throw the ball recklessly. Watch this game until it does not make sense to watch anymore, probably around halftime, when the Mustangs will have smothered the Bobcats with a pillow.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Houston Baptist Huskies at North Texas Mean Green [6:30pm, ESPN3]
{NBA} Toronto Raptors vs. Boston Celtics [5:30pm, TNT]
{MLB} St. Louis Cardinals vs. Chicago Cubs [7:10pm, ESPN]

Watch That

Arkansas State Red Wolves at Memphis Tigers

7pm | ESPN | Mem -19 | O/U 73

{USL} Indy Eleven vs. Louisville City

6pm | ESPN+

{NISA} Detroit City vs. New Amsterdam

6:30pm | myCujoo.tv

THE PAINT BUCKET BOWL.

[I can’t find any pictures of the trophy, and apparently others on the internet can’t either. I’m not being bothered to do extensive research here. Watch tennis or something instead.]

Look, I’m not thrilled with the idea that players are back on campus. But when a rivalry involves a history of casual kidnapping of football players and defacing campus landmarks with paint? I’ll hold my nose and watch some weird and bad college football. [Read good stories here on 24/7, if you need.]

This game starts the renewal of a four-year series between the two sides, and I don’t know how Blake Anderson is still employed by Arkansas State and not some SEC or Big XII school, but there we are. QB Logan Bonner is back with Layne Hatcher waiting in the wings, and while the ridiculous fantasy football play that was Omar Bayless is gone, I trust the Red Wolves to put up some points, too.

Memphis loses big-play threat Antonio Gibson, and RB Kenneth Gainwell has opted out of the season, but QB Brady White is back to throw for a million yards and a few dozen TDs unless the Tigers’ new coach does things differently for some insane reason. They’ll score a lot of points. They’ll give up a lot of points. I’ll watch.

Take the cover and the over and let’s get weird.

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

{NBA} Nuggets vs. Clippers [8pm, TNT]
{MLS} San Jose Earthquakes vs. Colorado Rapids [9:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks at UTEP Miners

8pm | ESPN3

{USL} Las Vegas Lights vs. Phoenix Rising

9:30pm | ESPN+

{AFL} St. Kilda vs. Hawthorn Hawks

10:05pm | FS2

{AFL} Geelong Cats vs. Essendon Bombers

12:35am | FS1

The Lumberjacks are, uh...not good.

But UTEP? UTEP might be an equivalent level of terrible. Dana Dimel is 2-22 (1-15) in his two years at the helm of the Miners, lost by 20 to Northern Arizona in 2018, and escaped another FCS upset last year with a two-point win over Houston Baptist.

I think an FCS-over-FBS upset is worth tuning in for.

But once that’s done?

If you’re not watching Aussie Rules Football right now, you should be. All the hitting, lots of weird accents, and SO. MUCH. PUNTING.

Also the refs do this which never fails to make me laugh:

Stay up! Talk about weird sports late into Saturday night with your internet friends. You bring the booze, we’ll make the thread.

Bonus! Monday Evening

Watch This

BYU Cougars at Navy Midshipmen

7pm | ESPN | EVEN | O/U 52.5

Not two teams I particularly care for (note that Army, not Navy, is the DWT;WT Team of Choice), but two teams I will watch if they are on. You may choose to do the same, or not.

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Enjoy the games, everyone. Here’s your thread for Thursday and Friday. We’ll try to have something up bright and early on Saturday for you.