Appetizer Breakfast: Anything from Al's
WhiteSpeedReceiver: Appetizers? Screw that. Eat what you want when you want. You're a midwesterner (Please note: offer of being a midwesterner not valid in New Jersey, Maryland, or Pennsylvania.) So let's start with breakfast, and no place is better than Al's. Everything is delicious, but the downside is that you're crammed into legitimately the smallest building in Minneapolis. So all that deliciousness crammed into one place reminds me of Minnesota's 2016 schedule. How soft and gooey is it? There's not a single game on it that you look at and think "Well there's no way in hell they lose this one."
So how many games does Minnesota actually win this year? And what's your go-to order at a greasy spoon for breakfast? You're not going to top pancakes, hash browns, eggs over-hard, and bacon, but that shouldn't stop you from trying.
Townie: This is a hard team to figure out. Last year, the Goofs started with a loss to TCU, then a string of ugly wins over cupcake teams (10 to 7 over Kent State? Come on Minny), bottoming with a 27-0 beat down at the hands of the Nerds in Evanston. It looked truly ugly...
The latter half of the season was a mixed bag... with close losses to Michigan and Iowa. It was good enough (fucking millennials) to get a trip to the Quick Lane(?) bowl. I guess if you can't beat the top 33% of the B1G, you'll take that win over the Chippewas.
This year, Minny improves.
They'll head into Beaver Stadium on October 1 with a kind 3-0 record. However, losses to the Lions and the Hawkeyes the following week will put them at 3-2. That's when the fun starts for Gopher fans.
The little golden tunnel rats get to feast on the dregs of the B1G, with back to back to back to back games against Maryland, Rutgers, Illinois, and Purdue. That's the Charmin of conference schedules.
Winning those games should be little challenge, so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.
That will put you at a misleading 7-2 record heading to Lincoln. The Big Ten Network will call it a "surprise". They'll blow all kinds of smoke up your butts about your success...there will even be talk of winning the West.
Don't buy it.
Three consecutive losses leaves you at 7-5 with a chance to come to Jacksonville, Florida for the Gator Bowl.
As for breakfast, I go for a cross-cultural mix. Give me two eggs over easy (GTFO with your "hard" eggs), scrapple, hash browns, and a big fluffy biscuit. Set that hot sauce by the plate and I'm in heaven.
C4B: Wow, you guys really do have it easier this year. Like, there's a non-zero chance of you reaching double digit wins in the regular season. I'm jealous. I feel like you won't have the perfect cake walk you'd hope for, but something solidly respectable (right about 9 wins) is likely where you're ending up unless something goes horribly wrong.
Breakfast time? Give me French toast, bacon (and that bacon had better be crispy, no wimpy undercooked crap), baking powder biscuits, and a glass of chocolate milk.
Al NamiasIV: I have Minnesota winning what they should, losing what they're supposed to and walking away from the season with a respectable 7-5 record. I have the Gophers getting swept in the four most important games of the season—Iowa, Nebraska, Northwestern and wisconsin—and they'll have a shot in all of them, but I just don't see it happening.
LPW: I have Minnesota winning the non-con outright, then winning a toss-up against PSU, because Coach Hype LOL, then losing to Iowa, beating Maryland, Rutgers, Illinois and Purdue, then losing the final three games of the season against Northwestern, Nebraska and wisconsin. 8-4 regular season record. Not too bad for a true first year for Tracey Claeys.
As for breakfast at a greasy spoon? I'll take a ham and cheese omelette with a side of pancakes, and a glass of milk and orange juice.
Stew: I see 3-4 wins for MN, depending on how the coaching changes go for Maryland and buttgers. Maybe, maybe, they can eek out 5 wins and squeak into a bowl game for a participation ribbon. The only guaranteed wins are Indiana State and maybe those damn train enthusiasts. Although, this may be the year they finally beat those Cheese Fucking
twins neighbors of theirs.
As for breakfast, double order of bacon (should be thick cut, and cooked to where, when held by one end, does not bend, but when bent, it does not break; crispy bacon is burnt bacon, you godforsaken heathans), either cubed hashbrowns or American fries (shredded hashbrowns, while good, are inferior to those two other times), sourdough toast with butter, and a big damn glass of orange juice.
Jesse: Well, I see this going both ways. While there aren't necessarily games that you stop and think, "There is no way they lose this game!" a person can easily make the counter... with probably the exception of Indiana State. That said, I see you sweeping the non-con, beating Rutgers and Purdue at home, winning at rebuilding schools Maryland and Illinois, and stealing one of the top four in the West. That's what, seven wins? Sure, why not. Maybe beat Northwestern and one of the quadrangle and you have a perfectly respectable year. I still lean 6-7 wins, but who knows. Funny things happen.
As for my greasy spoon go-to, it's the Fantasy Island from Leo's Diner in Omaha. Biscuits and gravy (a heaping mound) over crispy hashbrowns, bacon, sausage, ham, onions, and peppers, and two over-medium eggs on top. A cup of awful coffee to wash it down, and blinders so you don't realize what you're doing to yourself.
Speth: Less games than wisconsin because obviously. It's tough because their schedule is so soft Martha Stewart tried to sell it as a bedding collection. I mean wisconsin will have to beat a preseason top 15 team to win 9 games, but I think they'll get 8-9 wins. Minnesota's ceiling might be 10, but really, it's Minnesota. Pencil them in for 6-6/7-5
Scrambler from Mickie's Dairy Bar in madison. This is the only correct answer. It's the cheapest heart attack you'll ever find.
Andrew Krazewski: I would say a 3-2 start is the most likely thing, with the Ls coming to PSU and Iowa and dropping the Gophs out of the conference race. The rest of the way, maybe they lose a game they shouldn't like Illinois, win a game they shouldn't like Nebraska, and settle somewhere around 7-5. Congratulations, you've settled in slightly below the Mason era!
Nate Peterson: Last year I said 10 wins and lol whoops. I can convince myself of 10 with this softer than oatmeal schedule which means that it will probably be 7-9 wins.
Gotta get the Jose at Al's and a bacon waffle. The Jose is one or two poached eggs on top of hash browns with a delicious salsa and melted cheddar cheese on top. The bacon waffle is a 12 inch square waffle. The lay strips of bacon in between the batter. Yolks should never be cooked past easy. Ben is wrong. Elsewhere, loves me some chicken and waffles and I'm a sucker for truck stop biscuits and gravy.
Aaron Yorke: Crammed into a small building? I guess that won't be as big a problem for me, since I'm not quite as tall as most of the Off Tackle Empire roster of "writers." I'd probably order an omelette with swiss cheese, mushrooms, and onions to go with some toast and hash browns. Oh, do they have corned beef hash out there? That might be good too.
As for Minnesota, five conference road games are going to be tough, but you're right. The East part of the schedule is pretty soft. Winning two of those three and taking care of business against Purdue and Northwestern seems to be a fun path to take to a bowl game. I'll go with eight wins and a lot of gnashing teeth from a West rival that gets beat out for a bowl bid because it got lined up with Ohio State and Michigan.